Love Sticks

It’s not like I’m looking to get married right now. Or a year from now. Or even 5 years from now. But it’s the fact that it’s not even an option with you that kills me. You don’t want that kind of commitment, and it seems that you certainly don’t want that kind of a commitment with me. Which begs the question: Why the hell are we doing this?

I think of it like this: I don’t really want a peanut butter sandwich right now. It’s just going to make me thirsty. It’ll stick to the roof of my mouth, causing me to choke and possibly die. Basically, it’s an uncomfortable notion at the moment. However, what if I want one later? What if, down the road, I have a tall glass of milk waiting, and I’m ready to take a big bite out of a hearty peanut butter sandwich? Well, tough, because it’s not even on the menu with you. That’s not even an option, and by the time I want it as an option I’m freaking starving. All that time I’ve wasted sitting in your diner, I could have found some other place that serves freaking peanut butter sandwiches amongst a plethora of other tasty treats (because let’s face it, if the only thing you have on the table is PB…it’ll probably be a crappy meal).

And no, you don’t have a say in this. Why? Because you will pose one of two arguments:

1. I’m wrong—which is complete B.S. because we both know I’m right.

2. I’m right, but I should just go with it, and I’m crazy for even wanting a peanut butter sandwich (yes, I’m still sticking with the metaphor of good ole PB to marriage)

Either way, you’re going to make some argument for me to stay with you. And if I let you, I’m going to buy into in and agree. Why? Because even after all this, I’m still wildly in love with you. Crazy…I know.

For once in history, this could possibly be an honest-to-goodness case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” I used to adamantly think it’s you, but I’ve come to realize that this is just who you are. It’s unwise and unfair of me to try to change you—even though I know that’s the MO of 90% of women out there. The other 10% of women are either nuns or they’re currently on their deathbeds from severe exhaustion due to a lifetime of attempts at what us 90% are currently still fervently going at.

Bottom line: I’m done.

Assisted Self-realization

Spoke with my old counselor today. The argument with the bf was still really bothering me. We argue quite often and it’s always about the same stuff. Why?

I’m a pretty adaptable person. New situations make me anxious but in a good way. I enjoy new challenges. New friends. My new job. However, we came to the realization that when dealing with matters of the heart, change does not come so easily for me. Also, with past outlets for stress no longer an option, I actually have to deal with my emotions. Tough.

With the relationship 7 months in, we’re still semi-new. That’s where my uneasiness lies. At times, it’s almost as if I’m trying to beat you to the proverbial punch, so to speak. Not giving you the opportunity to reject me by not allowing enough closeness to get hurt. Yes, my guard still goes up once in a while, but I’m learning to keep it down for you…us.

I’m the product of a classic, structured childhood. Basically, I need boundaries. And my darling, you say that there are none with you but I have been striving with every fiber of my being to push them…and in the process pushed you away and hurt your feelings. For that, I am deeply sorry. I’ve gone on the defensive as a result of my own insecurities. Mainly, at times I just feel plain unlovable… And as they say, the best defense is a good offense…and with that, I have been testing the waters little by little, seeing what I can get away with…seeking the bounds of your love. But another realization I’ve come to is that if I keep seeking, I may actually find what I’m looking for: what it’ll take for you to not love me. So if I want this to work—and I do—I need to break that habit. Stop testing you and just trust that you’re in this.

This is me trying.

Sanctuary

I don’t want a call, or your words in a text or even an apology. All I wanted was for you to be there for me when I needed you. I’m always tackling the world head-on, and I just wanted to feel as though I wasn’t on my own for once. Like I have a partner.

I’m feeling unsteady. Emotionally. At least more than usual. This is a big step for me. I’m afraid of change. In my heart I should know that what I’m doing is right. But it’s not about right or wrong anymore. It’s all about time. Which, as we can tell from this, has not always been my strongest suit. I’m always running ahead of everyone or running late. Always running. With you, though, I have a safe haven. A rest stop. Home. My rock in shining ACUs.

But I feel empty. Hurt. I drop everything for you. Bend to your every whim in hopes that you do the same. I may be overly demanding but I have never expected from you anything that I wasn’t willing to do myself. You didn’t ask, but you didn’t have to. I’m here when you need me. I’m here when you don’t. I love you unconditionally. Which is without condition. Meaning, though I am hurting by your hand, I’m not going anywhere I can’t hold it.

‘No’ means no, not neglected

I am not overly demanding. My needs and wants are legitimate. They are real and not childish. They are reasonable.

So what’s the problem?

PROBLEM: I am completely irrational. 
CAUSE: I’m not used to hearing ‘no’.

When I know what I want, I ask for it. Not only that, though, I expect ‘yes’. I expect compliance.  The asking is just a formality. Something I do so I don’t seem like a brat. This is not a request. This is a direct order: love me as I want to be loved. Do this. Do this regardless of your own wants, needs or obligations. If not, I get upset. Hurt. I think you don’t care. I feel alone.

What rational human being would react like that? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Don’t worry, I’m working on it. This girl is under construction.

Ultimatium

I need to know that I’m enough. That I’m a priority. That I matter.
Because if I’m not, then I shouldn’t be here.

I need to know that we’re worth fighting over. Getting behind and sticking by.
Because if we’re not, then why am I here?

I need to feel appreciated. Loved. Cherished. Respected. Wanted.
Because if I’m don’t, then I’m lost.

I need to feel happy. Like you’re the center of my world and I’m at the heart of yours. Like every move we make, every decision and action and feeling is done in tandem.
Because if I don’t, then who do I have?

We need to find a way to communicate. Get on the same page. Trash the insensitivity. And over-sensitivity. Understand each other’s strengths, weaknesses, heartaches, tones, needs and aspirations. And find where we fit together.
Because if we don’t, then we’re lost

We’re lost and we’re losing. We’re loving, but our love means nothing, is worth nothing without the financial backing of honesty, trust and mutual respect.

I want to be worth something. To you. To just you. To only you. He has given me life to live, and I want you in it. He has given me time to spend, and I spare no expense on you. He has given me my breath to breathe, my love to lose and my self to give and it’s all yours.

He has given me a choice to choose, and I’ve place my wavering trust in you.

We need to find a way to make this work. To function and feel and fall and love and learn and keep and grow and know… that we’re worth it.
Because if we don’t, then we’ve lost.

I Am a Mind Reader

If you won’t listen to me, then maybe you’ll read me

It shouldn’t be this hard to be with someone

You make me feel so bad about myself, as a person not aesthetically. Like a trophy, pretty and earned but good for nothing.

I’m not available at the exact moment you need me, so now you don’t want me. I missed my cue, and now I’m thrown out of the show we’ve put on for months. Hope you find a good understudy

I can’t and don’t feel comfortable expressing how I feel, because you get hurt that I’m hurt. You’re angry that I’m angry. You’re upset because you’ve caused my unhappiness from your own thoughtlessness and somehow now I’m the one apologizing. It’s my fault. I’m sorry. You’re right.

You were supposed to be my different. My change. And you are. And you have nothing else to say to me.

My day so far: woke up at 11AM

So I took comfort in knowing that no one ever reads my post. This is so much easier than keeping a diary or journal. My hand doesn’t cramp up and I can type stream of consciousness so all my thoughts get out…hand writing is so darn slow! I usually forget what I’m thinking about mid-thought. Ha! What does that say about my mind? I may be 23 but my mind is already senile. Ahhh…but I digress…

I hear that this generation is completely obsessed with publishing their lives. I agree. I’m constantly updating my twitter and facebook status. And lookie here, I’m keeping an online diary that anyone and everyone could read if they so choose. Funny thing about that though…I didn’t think anyone was paying attention. I like the idea of getting my thoughts out there into the universe, but it kind of freaks me out that people I actually know may be reading this. Maybe I should start censoring my thoughts… Wow, how 1984 is that?! I guess I’m okay with nameless, faceless internet strangers reading my every whim and fancy, but to have people I actually know…people I interact with on a daily basis…people whose opinions actually matter to me knowing what’s really going on in my head… Well, that’s different.

Exposed doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling. And what’s more, I’m still writing. I’m writing to you all right now, as we speak…from the now, in the middle of the now. Why? I have no idea. I guess that counselor at UIS was right…this is oddly therapeutic. Writing with the possibility that someone, somewhere is paying attention…and since I don’t know who they are and will probably never meet them in person, I don’t care what they think.

Judgment! That’s what freaks me out about people I know reading this. Glad I finally figured that out. Fear of being judged. To anyone I know who may be reading this, please note that each entry is a reflection of how I feel at the time—which is subject to change on the hour, every hour. Yes, I’m a living, breathing, constant contradiction.

Fear aside, though. There have been quite a few changes in my life as of late. New job, new heartaches, new love….old friends coming back, new friends leaving…moving in with Sheen. Funny thing about Sheen, she’s my cousin but she really does feel like more of a sister. We kind of started off distant. I guess when she first came here from the PI, I was too lazy to get to know her. We were both busy, her with her nursing and me with my teaching. Mom, thanks for pushing us to hang out and get to know each other. You saw the potential for a wonderful friendship… yes, you were right. OH NO! Years of teenage rebellion undone!!!  Ha!

Oh! Speaking of sisters, I expressed to Alex, Joy and Sheen that I always wanted one. And Sheen turns to me and says, “What do you mean? You have one! I’m right here!” Yea, I almost cried there at the table.

I don’t mean to brag (who are we kidding, yes I do), but I have the best sister ever.