How do I?

Sometimes we move forward in order to come back.
Sometimes we move on to realize something was off.
Sometimes we move to settle down.

For all instances, though, movement whether back, lateral, up or down is better than standing still.

Make You Happy

Tell me what you want to hear
Swear I'll say it now, no fear
I can't guarantee I'll mean every line
Can't promise we won't still end in 'goodbye'

Just need you to understand
That everything we had
Everything we are and were
It's still here, just gone away from me

Please don't wait for me
Please don't stay
I can be happy for you
I just can't be what I wanted

This is, surprisingly, not where I saw myself post-college…

As a child, I spoke and thought as a child.  As an adolescent, I tore up my heart and mmbopped with the best of them.  As a late teen, I dreamed a dream and brooded as I should.  Now as a twenty-something new-grad, I find myself pining away for times gone by.  Stereotypically wishing I had known then what I know now.  At the same time wondering what I’ll know tomorrow that I wish I had known yesterday.

Given the chance, would I have lived my life differently. Most definitely.  I would spare my parents years of heartache by thinking before acting.  I would have taken more chances socially: befriended peers for who they were, not where they sat in the lunch room; asked out the certain someone whom I got up in the morning just to see in 1st period Spanish; even skip being a cheerleader completely and focus on theatre and music more.  Yes, I would have lived my life a lot differently.

Time travel aside, am I happy with where I am now as I lived then? Yes.  I am grateful for who the person I am.  I, of course, would not mind changing a few past discretions, but I think I’m turning out alright despite some lapse-in-judgment choices.

There is, though, still the question of where I thought I would be by now.  Answer: Not here.

Freshmen and Sophomore years were coated and covered in body glitter and spandex. Enter “cheerleader Erin.” To anyone I may have hurt or maimed directly, indirectly, emotionally or physically, I am deeply sorry.  See, back in those days I assumed I was going to cheer in college as well and  meet some rich, trust fund baby and socialize my way to the top with a purse dog and East Hampton house in tow.

How quickly the adolescent mind changes…

Junior year introduced me to the LWE Speech team and brought me my first lead role in “The King & I.” Enter: “Theatre Erin.”  This new version quickly realized that kissing ars and ‘letting the men talk’ was not a habit she wished to acquire (thank you, Sara Lynn). Still assuming that she’d marry young and wealthy though, this new version also had been bitten by the bug.  While most would believe it to be the ‘show biz bug,’ it was actually the reality bug.

Transition over to senior year. College was becoming an all too real reality, and I quickly realized that my looks—though awesome—were not good enough to land me the prosperous life I had hoped would fall in my lap. That is, of course, without the proper brains to reason out how to get it. So, college and actually putting effort into my studies were a must on my ‘to do’ list. That, and realizing that nothing is going to fall in my lap and learning to set my sights just high enough to be able to reach beyond them. Meaning, marrying rich…yea, no. Gaining other types of wealth on my own effort, time, dime and terms—most def!

Looking back, high school seems to be one regret after another: I should have just asked him out; I should have studied more; I could have done better; why did I even bother with that. But upon further analysis, I realize that it was actually one lesson after another. I, being the stubborn girl that I am, insisted on doing things the hard way.  However, I do have to say that even though I may have taken one too many left hand turns, I did it all my way (yea, Frankie!) and turned out at least semi-alright. Frosh/Soph high school me would be ashamed beyond words that I am 23, unmarried and don’t have a rock on my finger the size of New Hampshire.  Jr/Sr high school me would probably think that I was one crazy, cool chica but totally detached from the reality that is my frizzy hair.  But the now me—that one that I have come to know and love—thinks that I am definitely a work in progress.  Where are the blueprints?  I have no idea. I am actually not even sure where I was going with this post.  I just have so many questions and wonderings about the past, present and future that I have no idea how else to get this out of my system.  I would journal or keep a diary, but my handwriting is horrendous. So here it is.  My longest blog to date.

I guess what I am really getting at is: what if I had known everything then that I know now?  Would I really be that different?  And would that actually be a bad thing? Who wants me to change (be honest)? Would I have ever met Chase? I mean, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be—right? Or would a different path have brought to a different happiness?  Am I happy?

That last one’s a bit too subjective, eh.

Bah, who cares?  Well I do.  At least I think I do.  Do I? Or do I just want to see where this’ll take me? Guess it depends on what mood I’m in. Today’s mood: curious.

Bottomline: I’m grateful for where I am. I may still have curiosities of where I’d be now had I made different decisions in my past, but I’m pretty secure in my now. My now is pretty much the only now I’m going to have.  Well, not pretty much, more actually and I’m okay with that.  I guess what I’m really grateful for is my support system here: family and friends.  If anything, I’m really glad that no one ever told me that family and true friendships are the only things in this world that can never be broken. Had I known that then I may have taken a lot more for granted…leaving me loveless.

So thanks to anyone and everyone reading this.  Chances are that you’ve put up with more than your fair share of me. For that, I am grateful.  One day I’ll return the favor.

We’ll take all your time

Alice, please come back to me
Don’t leave me here like this
You know if I could I would join you
I know if you could you would stay
Why is this time so long for us now
So longing and empty and gone

And this place is no place for children

Dear Alice, keep walking
Walk away soon
See no one beneath us
In your eyes, in your moon
Please Alice, wake up now
Stop dreaming beside me
It won’t be for long now
Till I forget our even meeting

And your patience is gracefully undone

Have faith in your having
Have nothing to bear
Keep quiet your dreamings
And keep silent for all
Here is not sound yet
And where I start is ending
So here now is how your ending begins

NoOoOooOOOooooo!

I forgot!  Dang-nabbit, I forgot to do it!  I don’t know how, but I forgot to make my GLEE! audition video & post it :(

I guess between work and student teaching, my schedule got a little crazier than I thought.  Well, if it was meant to be, then it’d be.  Since it isn’t, then it’s not.  But if it is, then maybe it will!

Oh, Future, what do you hold?

GLEE!!!

This just in!  The FOX Network is holding open casting calls for new roles on the second season of GLEE from March 30th to April 26th.  They are doing this exclusively through MySpace and there is a list of songs for you to choose from on the site.

I haven’t performed in a while.  My last role was ‘Tup Tim’ in the Lincoln-Way Community Theatre’s production of “The King & I.”  I was 16 years old.  I’m 22 now…I wonder if I still have it in me.  It’s a long shot, but if I don’t do I know I’ll be thinking about it for the rest of my life.  A bit melodramatic, yes.  But I love GLEE!!!  So I just have to go for it!  Maybe I’ll sing “Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon…or “Rain on My Parade” by Barbara Streisand…or “True Colors” by Phil Collins.  Oh, I don’t know.

Ugh…now I’m all nervous…

http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions

At the End of the Day, I’m Your Morning After

There might as well be rain
It always feels like there should be
Because now I know there’s distance
Even though I’ve seen this all along

Why can’t you see what I feel?
Why can’t I feel what you need?
How did these chances not taken
Come back twisted and shaken?
When will we be good enough for us?
Is that even something to want?

I’ve come to terms with ending
I’ve started to start and begin
All of these words are just one long rehearsal 
For the years I’ve been saving for you

All I can hear now is senseless
All of us orbit around
For just one more day I am listless
For just once more life, there is sound
But none of it ever makes sense
All of it is yours
So figure out what you meant
I can’t say if I’ll open the door

I think that it’s time to finally get it right
So maybe I don’t want to fight
Or maybe I just can’t care
But something has got to keep moving
And I wish just for once it’s not me
Why can’t the world just stop spinning
I just need some time just to be.

So I had a bad day…

How can you hate someone you have never met or gotten to know? Is it something they said or did? 

Actions and words taken out of context are just that: actions and words. They cease to bare any meaning, but are somehow still up for interpretation. Not to sound cliché, but we all make mistakes. Everyone. So who are we to judge one another for doing what we ourselves do everyday? 

This is the human condition. 

It is human to not be right, to fault, to be cruel and to suffer. So why deny ourselves that which is natural? 

Simple. 

It is our obligation as sentient beings to accept our own folly and rise above it.  We need to be something better than human.

Random somethings in my head…

I feel shadows turning over

Revealing new thoughts I’ve kept at bay

And this winter frost through summer remains

Even though it’s a new day

I can hear it as you recite your lines

Oh so denied, and so you lie

Just enough for oohs and ahhs

Now we’re pretty plastic gazing through the glass

You won’t let me go, and it hurts me to stay

How cliché

It’s not even at me you’re looking

It’s not like your were looking anyway

Maybe I wasn’t as broken or maybe I just healed wrong

But now the stitching is ripping, and the whole side is torn

I can see it now

I can see now

I can now

I can.