Spoke with my old counselor today. The argument with the bf was still really bothering me. We argue quite often and it’s always about the same stuff. Why?
I’m a pretty adaptable person. New situations make me anxious but in a good way. I enjoy new challenges. New friends. My new job. However, we came to the realization that when dealing with matters of the heart, change does not come so easily for me. Also, with past outlets for stress no longer an option, I actually have to deal with my emotions. Tough.
With the relationship 7 months in, we’re still semi-new. That’s where my uneasiness lies. At times, it’s almost as if I’m trying to beat you to the proverbial punch, so to speak. Not giving you the opportunity to reject me by not allowing enough closeness to get hurt. Yes, my guard still goes up once in a while, but I’m learning to keep it down for you…us.
I’m the product of a classic, structured childhood. Basically, I need boundaries. And my darling, you say that there are none with you but I have been striving with every fiber of my being to push them…and in the process pushed you away and hurt your feelings. For that, I am deeply sorry. I’ve gone on the defensive as a result of my own insecurities. Mainly, at times I just feel plain unlovable… And as they say, the best defense is a good offense…and with that, I have been testing the waters little by little, seeing what I can get away with…seeking the bounds of your love. But another realization I’ve come to is that if I keep seeking, I may actually find what I’m looking for: what it’ll take for you to not love me. So if I want this to work—and I do—I need to break that habit. Stop testing you and just trust that you’re in this.
This is me trying.
