So I took comfort in knowing that no one ever reads my post. This is so much easier than keeping a diary or journal. My hand doesn’t cramp up and I can type stream of consciousness so all my thoughts get out…hand writing is so darn slow! I usually forget what I’m thinking about mid-thought. Ha! What does that say about my mind? I may be 23 but my mind is already senile. Ahhh…but I digress…
I hear that this generation is completely obsessed with publishing their lives. I agree. I’m constantly updating my twitter and facebook status. And lookie here, I’m keeping an online diary that anyone and everyone could read if they so choose. Funny thing about that though…I didn’t think anyone was paying attention. I like the idea of getting my thoughts out there into the universe, but it kind of freaks me out that people I actually know may be reading this. Maybe I should start censoring my thoughts… Wow, how 1984 is that?! I guess I’m okay with nameless, faceless internet strangers reading my every whim and fancy, but to have people I actually know…people I interact with on a daily basis…people whose opinions actually matter to me knowing what’s really going on in my head… Well, that’s different.
Exposed doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling. And what’s more, I’m still writing. I’m writing to you all right now, as we speak…from the now, in the middle of the now. Why? I have no idea. I guess that counselor at UIS was right…this is oddly therapeutic. Writing with the possibility that someone, somewhere is paying attention…and since I don’t know who they are and will probably never meet them in person, I don’t care what they think.
Judgment! That’s what freaks me out about people I know reading this. Glad I finally figured that out. Fear of being judged. To anyone I know who may be reading this, please note that each entry is a reflection of how I feel at the time—which is subject to change on the hour, every hour. Yes, I’m a living, breathing, constant contradiction.
Fear aside, though. There have been quite a few changes in my life as of late. New job, new heartaches, new love….old friends coming back, new friends leaving…moving in with Sheen. Funny thing about Sheen, she’s my cousin but she really does feel like more of a sister. We kind of started off distant. I guess when she first came here from the PI, I was too lazy to get to know her. We were both busy, her with her nursing and me with my teaching. Mom, thanks for pushing us to hang out and get to know each other. You saw the potential for a wonderful friendship… yes, you were right. OH NO! Years of teenage rebellion undone!!! Ha!
Oh! Speaking of sisters, I expressed to Alex, Joy and Sheen that I always wanted one. And Sheen turns to me and says, “What do you mean? You have one! I’m right here!” Yea, I almost cried there at the table.
I don’t mean to brag (who are we kidding, yes I do), but I have the best sister ever.
