So I have a new boyfriend now. I know, I know…for all my back and forth preaching, it’s finally done and over with. For a second, I thought I should’ve ended it with that first break up; or not stayed the night after that big blow out at his summer party… So many stopping points, and I failed to get out at each one. I’m happy I got out when I finally did though. Chase was in a good place with his new girlfriend, so there was absolutely no chance that I’d rebound with him (that wouldn’t have been a good choice for anybody). And this last one ended on a mutual understanding – not that we were in agreement, but we were finally both agreeing that we just weren’t working out. He’s still an a**hole, but I was stupid enough to stay with him for a year…so I guess it evens out, eh?
Anyways, on with this new beau…he’s kind of on the wonderful side. I know you’re not supposed to compare past lovers with current ones, but on the other hand you’re supposed to learn what you like and don’t like with each relationship, so how do you not??? With that said, Dan is just this shy of perfect. He’s got the love and compassion of Chase with just enough of Marc’s bite to challenge me (oh wow, just realized that I never mentioned my last bf’s name…yea, it was Marc. LOL). And just as with any other of my life experiences, this one is really kicking my a** and teaching me a lot.
I think I’m finally starting to understand (kind of) what’s up with me and my issue with relationships. I may never know why I broke up with Chase. I just felt I had to. Whether it was the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ thing to do, I just had to. I know that sounds bad, but… well, I don’t know. With that though, I’m starting to see my pattern.
Not to say that Marc wasn’t a complete dick – he was…and is—but I definitely didn’t make things easy on him. I would over analyze and takes things personally – and anyone that knows me knows that once that’s happened, that’s it. That sets me off. Even if I have no idea how or what I want you to do to fix the situation, I will fight you. I will fight you if only to get my rage out – not even thinking about how we’ll patch things up (or if we even can). I will fight you solely on principle – even if I don’t know what it is yet.
With Chase, we’d talk it through for hours if needed. I’d like to say that we compromised, but if I’m really honest, I got my way 90% of the time. We went through so much together. Whether the wounds were self-inflicted or due to us standing against an outside force, each battle brought us closer together…stronger…and more in love than before. We stood side by side against the world for 5 years…together…never once wavering in our devotion to one another. Even now as friends, he calls and I’ll come running. I need him, and he is at my side at a moment’s notice. Best friends for 5 years. That isn’t something casually tossed away.
With Marc, things would get so bad that’d we’d break up…then he’d ask for me back, and I just couldn’t say no. We never had to ride into battle together…there were no common enemies to face. Just us. Maybe if I’d have waited it out one would come and we would have our chance to unite together and build a similar bond. I think that’s what I was waiting for. That’s part of the reason why I stayed. It just wasn’t fair. He wasn’t given a fair shot of proving his sincerity and genuine care and love and devotion to us like what our college years did for me and Chase…but I just couldn’t take anymore heartache.
And now Dan. I am now recognizing that I am repeating a pattern that I started with Marc. I am pushing and pushing to see where the boundaries are. How bad can it get before he’ll pack up and go? Get it now? There’s no war to wage against a common enemy to help prove that he loves me enough to stay with me through anything. As a result, my over analyzing, over sensitivity, overly critical eye paints us as our own worst enemies.
With Marc, all that accomplished was pushing out my own boundaries of what I was willing to put up with for someone I loved. With Dan, he’s still sticking around, but how long before all my pushing pushes him away?
Whether I’m in love with him still or not – doesn’t matter. When it comes down to it, I still view Chase has my constant. My rock. The one that will never abandon me when the going gets tough.
How do I change that? Do I need to? Or is it that I just need to learn to trust that the person that I’m with is with me. What if he changes his mind tomorrow—or worse, a few years down when I’ve planned my life around him…I guess kind of like what I did with Chase. I am sorry about that. Maybe I’m scared that birds of a feather and all….
