As a child, I spoke and thought as a child. As an adolescent, I tore up my heart and mmbopped with the best of them. As a late teen, I dreamed a dream and brooded as I should. Now as a twenty-something new-grad, I find myself pining away for times gone by. Stereotypically wishing I had known then what I know now. At the same time wondering what I’ll know tomorrow that I wish I had known yesterday.
Given the chance, would I have lived my life differently. Most definitely. I would spare my parents years of heartache by thinking before acting. I would have taken more chances socially: befriended peers for who they were, not where they sat in the lunch room; asked out the certain someone whom I got up in the morning just to see in 1st period Spanish; even skip being a cheerleader completely and focus on theatre and music more. Yes, I would have lived my life a lot differently.
Time travel aside, am I happy with where I am now as I lived then? Yes. I am grateful for who the person I am. I, of course, would not mind changing a few past discretions, but I think I’m turning out alright despite some lapse-in-judgment choices.
There is, though, still the question of where I thought I would be by now. Answer: Not here.
Freshmen and Sophomore years were coated and covered in body glitter and spandex. Enter “cheerleader Erin.” To anyone I may have hurt or maimed directly, indirectly, emotionally or physically, I am deeply sorry. See, back in those days I assumed I was going to cheer in college as well and meet some rich, trust fund baby and socialize my way to the top with a purse dog and East Hampton house in tow.
How quickly the adolescent mind changes…
Junior year introduced me to the LWE Speech team and brought me my first lead role in “The King & I.” Enter: “Theatre Erin.” This new version quickly realized that kissing ars and ‘letting the men talk’ was not a habit she wished to acquire (thank you, Sara Lynn). Still assuming that she’d marry young and wealthy though, this new version also had been bitten by the bug. While most would believe it to be the ‘show biz bug,’ it was actually the reality bug.
Transition over to senior year. College was becoming an all too real reality, and I quickly realized that my looks—though awesome—were not good enough to land me the prosperous life I had hoped would fall in my lap. That is, of course, without the proper brains to reason out how to get it. So, college and actually putting effort into my studies were a must on my ‘to do’ list. That, and realizing that nothing is going to fall in my lap and learning to set my sights just high enough to be able to reach beyond them. Meaning, marrying rich…yea, no. Gaining other types of wealth on my own effort, time, dime and terms—most def!
Looking back, high school seems to be one regret after another: I should have just asked him out; I should have studied more; I could have done better; why did I even bother with that. But upon further analysis, I realize that it was actually one lesson after another. I, being the stubborn girl that I am, insisted on doing things the hard way. However, I do have to say that even though I may have taken one too many left hand turns, I did it all my way (yea, Frankie!) and turned out at least semi-alright. Frosh/Soph high school me would be ashamed beyond words that I am 23, unmarried and don’t have a rock on my finger the size of New Hampshire. Jr/Sr high school me would probably think that I was one crazy, cool chica but totally detached from the reality that is my frizzy hair. But the now me—that one that I have come to know and love—thinks that I am definitely a work in progress. Where are the blueprints? I have no idea. I am actually not even sure where I was going with this post. I just have so many questions and wonderings about the past, present and future that I have no idea how else to get this out of my system. I would journal or keep a diary, but my handwriting is horrendous. So here it is. My longest blog to date.
I guess what I am really getting at is: what if I had known everything then that I know now? Would I really be that different? And would that actually be a bad thing? Who wants me to change (be honest)? Would I have ever met Chase? I mean, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be—right? Or would a different path have brought to a different happiness? Am I happy?
That last one’s a bit too subjective, eh.
Bah, who cares? Well I do. At least I think I do. Do I? Or do I just want to see where this’ll take me? Guess it depends on what mood I’m in. Today’s mood: curious.
Bottomline: I’m grateful for where I am. I may still have curiosities of where I’d be now had I made different decisions in my past, but I’m pretty secure in my now. My now is pretty much the only now I’m going to have. Well, not pretty much, more actually and I’m okay with that. I guess what I’m really grateful for is my support system here: family and friends. If anything, I’m really glad that no one ever told me that family and true friendships are the only things in this world that can never be broken. Had I known that then I may have taken a lot more for granted…leaving me loveless.
So thanks to anyone and everyone reading this. Chances are that you’ve put up with more than your fair share of me. For that, I am grateful. One day I’ll return the favor.
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